A jumble of thoughts while I wait for glue to dry October 26, 2008

1) I have glue in my hair because I am making my Halloween costume out of one single box and some posterboard and paints. I wish I had done this as a kid instead of buying costumes. I feel fortunate to have found a relatively-my-body-width box and for having an eye that can see something and imagine how it would be as something else.

2) I found these AMAZING smelling dryer sheets that I bought and loved 3 years ago, and haven’t been able to find since, and now I have them again, and am going to put them in my pockets and backpack and purse so that I can smell them whenever I want.

3) I bought a reusable shopping bag today. It was 99 cents and the guy behind the register was really happy that I asked him to buy one.

4) I changed my lightbulb that had been burned out for 3 days, and in order to do so I had to stand on a step-ladder with the thickest book I own (Yaay for not having sold “Guide to College Majors” on Amazon.com because of the cost of shipping) and wear high heels. I could barely reach the screw-fixture with my extended arm, finally managed to get the lightbulb in, the room was instantely illuminated and everything was better.

5) everything was better until I tried to turn off the light by pulling the cord, only to discover that the socket I put it into (there are two, one holds the dead bulb and I couldn’t risk dying to put the other lightbulb in that socket) pumps electricity through it no matter what. It’s too hot for me to take out of the socket now, and to do so, I’d have to wobble on a step-ladder piled with books while wearing high heels and holding a very hot glass object, while using my other hand to unscrew the other one and risk falling flat on my face and breaking bones. Why do I have 12 foot tall ceilings? WHY?!). So now my room is bathed in constant simulated daylight until it burns out for good. Thank god I found my sleeping mask.

6) I think it’s important for everybody to remember where I place romantic love on the hierarchy of things. I was recently told by a family member that I should find somebody and settle down soon because I am as attractive as I will ever be, and that it’s all downhill from here, and nobody will love the decrepit leper I will become before I’m even in my late 20’s. Let me remind you of a not-so-distant chain of events:  I fell profoundly in love, I left said profound love to chase my dream. Romantic love is not on the top of my “Things That I Should Find in My Life” list. I don’t let the sun rotate around the earth, if you dig?

7) I recorded more songs. I was offered to record some things on professional equipment by an acquaintance who listened to some stuff that I wrote. We’re going to do that when we get a break from being so busy.

I’ve eaten over 3 times my weekly caloric intake in a matter of 20 hours. I hope I can bulk up a little before winter. I want to see what it’s like to have my body keep itself warm.

9) I think the glue is dry on my costume, I am going to return to constructing it!

10) Give things time, and what once seemed daunting will have turned out to be just fine. Things are really good, people are so inspiring, life is like eating an endless candy bar.

Things that I want: October 19, 2008

-A violin to hang on the wall that I never learn to play, only to watch age
-A dancing fit to replace my sometimes irritation
-A cat to sleep on my chest and lick my nose with its rough tongue
-To channel the creative energy I feel stirring about inside of me that I can not seem to focus or direct
-An entire month of empty days to wander the city and fall back in love with it
-To always run into people to hug while I am out and about
-A break in the cyclical pattern of class, work, homework, sleep
-To stop dreaming about balloons, which represent a loss of hope to the subconscious mind
-All of the love that could fit in a cup; that I could sip at until I am irreversibly tendered
-My family near, my sacrifices undone, my unlived life back so that I may attempt to live it again
-Your warm energy around, always

Something to Love New York City For October 15, 2008

Although I am often jarred from my internal world into the suffocating, over-crowded, rude and inconsiderate, urine-stinking, pushy world of New York City, there are days where the city is so darned charming that I can’t help but to be so thankful for my experiences in it.

“Bodegas,” the Dominican word for “Corner Stores,” are literally that, on each corner, offering soda, chips, cigarettes, and various household items. They also sometimes have live-in cats that the frequenters of the bodega can reach down and pet while perusing the chip aisle and debating between Pringles or Lay’s. Tonight, on my walk home from the subway, I spotted such a cat sitting outside of a bodega that does not sell cigarettes (that’s how I mentally categorize them), and I stopped in my rushed path home to reach down and pet the soft, grey cat. I crouched so that I could reach the cat better and she rubbed against my legs, snuck under my skirt, emerged from under my right leg, and climbed into my lap. So, there I was, crouching in the middle of the sidewalk with a purring cat in my lap who kept rubbing her head against my chin and kneading the side of my leg with her front paws in ecstasy. Feeling that I was in the way of others on the street, I stood up and made kiss noises at the cat. She reached out her paws and put them over my shoe as if giving them a hug, then she placed her head on the top of my foot and purred even louder. I laughed and said, “I have to go, baby!” and started walking down the street where she ran in front of me and looked up with her round, green eyes, and so I crouched back down and let her sit in my lap for another 10 minutes or so while making conversation in Spanish about how awesome the cat was and how sweet she was and how she loves people and people love her.

When I picked her up from my lap the second time she smelled something on the cement and became preoccupied with whatever that was, and I said goodnight to the man and to the cat and walked home with an extra bounce in my step.

Other great New York City things from today:
1. The 30-something black man listening to Bob Marley and knitting a pink scarf on the subway and our shared smile.
2. The Polish woman who touched my elbow and asked me how to get the B train.
3. The contagious smile of the Hispanic woman waiting for the bus, and when I allowed her to get on the bus ahead of me, the bus driver nodded his head at me, smiled, and asked me how I was doing.
4. The changing of the leaves in the parks, mostly to orange, but I’m sure there will soon be much variation
5. Laughing with acquaintances over cigarettes and wishing there were more than 15 minutes between classes.

“Is New York City really like a grave-yard they all ask me, and I say ‘no, that was last week, but man, that was in the past.’”

Los Ojos October 2, 2008

There is this advertisement in the subway for chamomile spray that makes you sleepy and it features a photograph of a model with her eyes closed and smiling. It bothers me for two reasons. One: nobody smiles in their sleep. Two: her eyes are closed.

The second bit agitates me most. Tonight, while staring at her eyelids, I felt the urge to yell at her to open her eyes. No, to demand it from her. To say, “Open them now, I want to see you, I want to look into you. Open them. Open them. Open your goddamned eyes. Who are you? I can’t tell. Open your eyes.”

I think that’s what I’d like to say to everybody that I ever encounter.

Repeated Misgivings of Energy October 1, 2008

I am so heavy and yet still so light. Sometimes we cling to things because we become so used to feeling hurt or confused or sad that we take comfort in those things. Anybody else has thought this, realized this, known this, done this.

It is hard to let go of something that you felt you were doing for the right reasons, even when doing anything positive towards it now will prove fruitless. A repetitive misgiving of energy.

How do I forgive somebody for sparing me the pain of being used when the sparing me then included lies and abandonment? I was your friend and that is why you viewed me as your enemy.

I am impractical. A daydreamer. An idealist. It is my own fault for pain inflicted because 1) I choose how I feel in regards to others actions and 2) it is my own desire to gather the world into my arms and rock it until it is comforted and sleepy with calm.

I need to clip my fingernails. Literally. Figuratively.