In this new year I find myself dwelling on things like changing my hair, eating more frequently, furthering the development of my ideals, and completely freeing myself from past aches.
I keep thinking of this line to this song that says, “I just need to make a clean escape, if you walk away, I’ll walk away,” and I can not determine if it is so simple as to walk away. To set down what aches, point at it lying in the dirt, command for it to “Stay,” and then walk backwards 20 paces before turning around so that what had previously hurt no longer occupies space inside of you and you can not set your masochistic eyes on it.
It just seems like it should take more work, more picking at the scabs, more scratching at the surface so that you can shine it smooth again.
I am somebody who loves two very important things:
1) Internal revelation, the improvement of self
2) Living an internal life with the ability to evaluate the past and present with a painful clarity
These two things are quite contradictory. You see. Maybe not explicitely, or exclusively, but reliving emotional events with such sharp and honest vision clouds things like being open to loving and experiencing openly (thus inhibiting the growth of self, or self-growth – in non-tricky terms).
I need to develop:
1) methods for forgiveness (although I may be in the process of building this internal infrastructure by accepting that most of the time it had nothing to do with me, that I can’t reach each persons levels of perfection while remaining solidly who I am, and that if I was not good enough for somebody else it is because their standards are skewed by things that I am not concerned with… Now, just live it Jenifer. You can do this).
2) the desire to let go
3) forgiveness for them, forgiveness for myself, for actions, intentions, words, emotions, pretense
4) a more efficient way of dealing with breached trust
In terms of the other things, I am eating more regularly because I feel healthier and more stable and do not feel the need to express myself by abusing my body. I would explain it more, but I don’t think this is the place. I am furthering the development of my ideals because I want to weave more infallible fabric into the way I live my life (to be certain that I am not harming, but leaving behind a trail of comfort for those I meet and love). And as for changing my hair, I’m fresh out of ideas.
P.S. As a note to myself, a permanent string of hope twined together by a cyber-language computed via 1’s and 0’s – You are deserving of love. You have value because you are strength and sensitivity and socially responsible, and want to do good. You are changing, embrace it, you are becoming closer to the internally beautiful person you wish to be. You are warmth, spread it like nobody’s business because it’s your business to make it everyones business.
