This will be dull, vague, and mostly worthless in regards to your time November 12, 2008

Stream of consciousness helps me get staling emotion and tangled thoughts out of my body. Shall we?

I keep seeing the people that those I have been involved with are meant to be with. I fall short of everything. I have had bruises on my ribs for the last two days and only noticed them today. I bought a new set of paint brushes two weeks ago. I rub their wooden handles between my fingers in the morning when I am eating breakfast. I have not been able to use them. My heart strings are all strung out. I am floating belly up in a tumultuous current. I will not listen to those songs that make me think of you. I have so little comfort and have forgotten how to create it for myself. I am so tired of creating everything for myself. I am so lucky to be able to create things for myself. It is selfish to want romantic love and to have the desire to be understood. Appreciation is the key word, and I can’t stop dreaming about balloons. I need to see a deer, somewhere that’s not in New Jersey and not with you so that I can apply that memory to other things. I need to remember to be more guarded. I don’t know if I can be open-minded without being naive. I want a kitten so badly that sometimes I frown. Down to 2 cigarettes a day, and I don’t know how to make it zero and some self-destructive tendency inside of me wants to do everything in excess, but I can’t regress. I keep thinking about your cocaine use and how I tried to save you and you were so horrible to me and how terrible it is that all I want to do is forgive you, and would if I hadn’t done so before and been hurt. Two years ago I could call a handful of people when it was raining outside and we’d dance in it. Three years ago. Four years ago. But now there is nothing, and I find the most secluded spaces the most comforting and the most peculiar sound is quiet and even when it is external I can not find it internally. Despite the beautiful perspective that I’ve been bestowed I will never allow myself to be content with myself because nobody can ever achieve perfection, internally, and I need to accept that but can not. I want to create on my own whim. I want to feel inspired by the energy of other people. I am not disheartened. I am sometimes thrust into the reality of aloneness and not only my own but yours and everybody elses and it is not frightening, but it is hollow and stable and open. I don’t want a yes or a no I want hands on my face and the words “I get it.” I can set aside the things I desire the most in exchange for what will inevitably bring the ache I find myself fascinated by. I no longer have a place that I can call home, there is no comfort here, and things are missing there, and things have changed there, and I am getting older every day and I forget that I am still young because I have been working for so long at finding the balance and driving so fast and so hard that my life feels controlled by a constant moving grid, rigid and exhausting and I am keeping up but just barely and all I want to do is sit down and rest my legs but there is more work and more time and less sleep and I can not handle that today is already yesterday and where are the things I’ve promised myself and are they possible and have I failed already and of course not. Of course not. Off course, not. My eyes are knots in their sockets. I have given in and now things will take their time to process.

A jumble of thoughts while I wait for glue to dry October 26, 2008

1) I have glue in my hair because I am making my Halloween costume out of one single box and some posterboard and paints. I wish I had done this as a kid instead of buying costumes. I feel fortunate to have found a relatively-my-body-width box and for having an eye that can see something and imagine how it would be as something else.

2) I found these AMAZING smelling dryer sheets that I bought and loved 3 years ago, and haven’t been able to find since, and now I have them again, and am going to put them in my pockets and backpack and purse so that I can smell them whenever I want.

3) I bought a reusable shopping bag today. It was 99 cents and the guy behind the register was really happy that I asked him to buy one.

4) I changed my lightbulb that had been burned out for 3 days, and in order to do so I had to stand on a step-ladder with the thickest book I own (Yaay for not having sold “Guide to College Majors” on Amazon.com because of the cost of shipping) and wear high heels. I could barely reach the screw-fixture with my extended arm, finally managed to get the lightbulb in, the room was instantely illuminated and everything was better.

5) everything was better until I tried to turn off the light by pulling the cord, only to discover that the socket I put it into (there are two, one holds the dead bulb and I couldn’t risk dying to put the other lightbulb in that socket) pumps electricity through it no matter what. It’s too hot for me to take out of the socket now, and to do so, I’d have to wobble on a step-ladder piled with books while wearing high heels and holding a very hot glass object, while using my other hand to unscrew the other one and risk falling flat on my face and breaking bones. Why do I have 12 foot tall ceilings? WHY?!). So now my room is bathed in constant simulated daylight until it burns out for good. Thank god I found my sleeping mask.

6) I think it’s important for everybody to remember where I place romantic love on the hierarchy of things. I was recently told by a family member that I should find somebody and settle down soon because I am as attractive as I will ever be, and that it’s all downhill from here, and nobody will love the decrepit leper I will become before I’m even in my late 20’s. Let me remind you of a not-so-distant chain of events:  I fell profoundly in love, I left said profound love to chase my dream. Romantic love is not on the top of my “Things That I Should Find in My Life” list. I don’t let the sun rotate around the earth, if you dig?

7) I recorded more songs. I was offered to record some things on professional equipment by an acquaintance who listened to some stuff that I wrote. We’re going to do that when we get a break from being so busy.

I’ve eaten over 3 times my weekly caloric intake in a matter of 20 hours. I hope I can bulk up a little before winter. I want to see what it’s like to have my body keep itself warm.

9) I think the glue is dry on my costume, I am going to return to constructing it!

10) Give things time, and what once seemed daunting will have turned out to be just fine. Things are really good, people are so inspiring, life is like eating an endless candy bar.

Repeated Misgivings of Energy October 1, 2008

I am so heavy and yet still so light. Sometimes we cling to things because we become so used to feeling hurt or confused or sad that we take comfort in those things. Anybody else has thought this, realized this, known this, done this.

It is hard to let go of something that you felt you were doing for the right reasons, even when doing anything positive towards it now will prove fruitless. A repetitive misgiving of energy.

How do I forgive somebody for sparing me the pain of being used when the sparing me then included lies and abandonment? I was your friend and that is why you viewed me as your enemy.

I am impractical. A daydreamer. An idealist. It is my own fault for pain inflicted because 1) I choose how I feel in regards to others actions and 2) it is my own desire to gather the world into my arms and rock it until it is comforted and sleepy with calm.

I need to clip my fingernails. Literally. Figuratively.

A train of thought: August 25, 2008

SPF 50 degrading in the sun.
I wrapped the flowers in newspaper.
When I left I didn’t really want to go until I realized that you were going to let me.
Started saving coins in a jar like other people do.
Battle lines of Raid surround the bed that only I have slept in.
I did not appreciate anything beautiful yesterday.
Wearing Halloween underwear in August.
My short toenails collect dirt.
I do not own a vacuum.
I live in one.
There are things I have not seen.
I lusted for a Dominican woman last night on my walk home. She was slender and had a sharp face.
Pairs of shoes lined up in the same row allow me to feel at home when I leave.
My legs are not for running, they are for walking slowly to appreciate where I am.
Perhaps, now, I am satiated.
I met a 3-year old, captivating blond girl in a dream, twice. I think of her during the day. Now she won’t return to me.
I never got to tell you that I feel like you are a funeral I wasn’t invited to.
I painted a picture of you once. It was terrible so I felt it was an accurate portrayal.
Cords and boards fill the floors.
I think I may have been happier before I met you.